I Don’t Want to Attack You! - Chapter 3

3. Ashur Renver

‘My treasure, my angel. Happy birthday, my beloved baby deer!’

Above the head of a boy wearing a hat, colorful fireworks burst into the air. As his parents each kissed his cheeks, the attendants applauded as if they had been waiting. It was a birthday party filled with blessings, but the protagonist, Ashur, only stared blankly with an uninterested face. The appearance of an ordinary child celebrating his tenth birthday was not there.

With his parents holding Ashur’s small right hand together, they forced him to cut the cake. As the four-tiered cake was sliced, more fireworks exploded. The next order of events was to open the gifts sent from outside. Attendants appeared with a cart filled with gifts. That was when Ashur showed his first sign of emotion.

How bothersome.

A servant wearing white gloves carefully placed one of the gift boxes on the cart in front of Ashur.

‘It must be from Lady Belash. Shouldn’t we open it to see if it’s a gift that our baby deer would like?’

Ashur lightly disregarded his father’s words. Since they had cut the cake, he obliged and sat with his parents. Sitting with an indifferent expression all day, Ashur jumped off his chair.

‘Oh, Ashur! Let’s open the gifts!’

The boy’s deer-like large eyes fell upon the cart. How tiresome. Who celebrates their birthday party for nine consecutive days? Ashur felt deep disgust at his ninth eleventh birthday party. With a gesture from Ashur’s parents, the cart containing the gifts was moved aside.

‘Well, let’s finish the ninth birthday party here and enjoy the tenth birthday party.’

And when he came to his senses, Ashur found himself in the village of “Vales,” wearing a pink rabbit mask on his face.

‘At Agripada’s festival, you have to cover your face with a mask. Today, Ashur, you should become a cute rabbit instead of a baby deer. The god of love will help you meet your destined partner.’

Ashur didn’t want to become a deer or a rabbit. He wanted to escape from this square, where noisy music, loud laughter, and people who seemed drunk on moonlight or alcohol stuck to each other and danced.

The boy’s parents were people who liked people and traveling, and they were energetic individuals who thrived in a lively atmosphere. However, Ashur, their adopted son, was the opposite of them in temperament. But the world did not leave Ashur alone. The boy was a captivating figure wherever he went, a prodigy who showed talent in art, music, martial arts, and various fields of study.

Ashur found the attention surrounding him tiresome and bothersome, but there was nowhere he could escape from the attention. To the boy who always endured, the birthday party that had continued for nine days and the sudden festival on the tenth day were nothing short of torture. He wanted to disappear to a place where nobody knew him.

When his patience reached its limit, someone grabbed Ashur’s wrist firmly. And then, they started running somewhere while taking Ashur with them, away from the bustling square filled with music.

The place Ashur arrived at was behind Agripada’s temple. It was surrounded by lush grass and limestone walls that protected Ashur from the attention as if they were walls. The moon spread its cold light. And below it stood a girl wearing a beak mask. Her curly, red hair seemed to dance lightly on her round shoulders. The girl was much taller than Ashur. Was she an angel?

The girl looked at Ashur and spoke.

‘You don’t know how long I’ve been looking for you.’

Thump. A graceful voice like a harp melody pierced into Ashur’s heart. A storm of intense emotions, shocking enough for someone who had shown no interest in anything in the world, engulfed Ashur. He couldn’t take his eyes off the girl wearing the beak mask.

‘You mean me?’

‘Yeah.’

The girl inserted her fingers under the mask, and the beak mask slowly came off. Ashur stared at the girl without even remembering to breathe.

Thud. The poorly made mask fell to the ground.

‘Ah, finally, how refreshing. Please embrace me quickly.’

‘Ugh…’

Ashur woke up from the dream as if having a seizure. Now he was accustomed to the sight of the familiar white ceiling filling his vision. His heart pounded as if it would burst, and his dry mouth continued to swallow.

It was a nightmare. Not just an ordinary nightmare, but a horrific nightmare that made him want to extract his brain and wash it clean.

“Why does the face of that seamstress…?”

Struggling, Ashur closed his eyes and tried to calm his pounding heart. When his breathing gradually settled down, he realized that something was off with his body. With a skeptical mind, Ashur raised his upper body. When he lifted the blanket, he saw that the front of the bedsheet was damp.

“Ha…”

It was his first wet dream. It was the first time he had experienced such a thing at the age of twenty due to that seamstress.

“Unless I’ve lost my mind…”

Ashur couldn’t understand his body’s response. He was confused. A wet dream, really? Feeling sexual desire for that seamstress. Confusion, discomfort, and an indescribable longing boiled up simultaneously.

It was difficult for him to accept that his body was acting beyond his control. Ashur quickly washed his body with cold water, trying to clear his dizzy mind. Then, without having breakfast, he headed straight to the prayer room.

Ashen gray clouds covered the sky. It was a weather where a downpour wouldn’t be out of place. A gloomy energy flowed through the window and seeped into the prayer room. Sitting alone on the pew in the spacious prayer room, Ashur closed his eyes quietly. A faint golden rosary swayed over his gloved hands.

“Oh Lord, please take away the wicked desires that have tainted my body.”

A desperate voice echoed from Ashur in front of the giant statues of the five gods. Ten years ago, on the day he decided to become a priest, he swore that he would serve the gods with purity until his eternal companion appeared. And that vow had never wavered even once until that seamstress intervened.

“Unless I’ve gone mad…”

Ashur couldn’t understand his body’s reaction. It was bewildering. Rather than being afraid of humans who desired his body, they looked no different from scavengers. He found it disgusting to believe that they belonged to the same species with equal intelligence. Was it because of his upbringing? Ashur didn’t have a compulsive disorder, but he felt intense aversion when others touched his body. On days when someone accidentally brushed against him, even with just a fingertip, his skin turned red, and he washed his hands, considering it an impure act to serve the gods with carnal desires.

He didn’t swear chastity to serve the gods with a pure heart. However, as a result, he believed that because he had pledged chastity, he could become a priest without shame.

“Grant me the grace to suppress the sexual desires that dominate my body every day.”

Ashur was well aware that the gods had bestowed upon him more blessings than others. It was impossible not to know. His reversed fate was always the best, and he had exceptional learning and application skills no matter what he studied. Feeling the need for sowrdsman ship, Ashur laid down the scriptures and took up the sword, and he received a love call from the knight order of the entire continent. There was even a place that offered to establish a new knight order specifically for Ashur. However, apart from serving the gods, he had no interest or hobbies, so he completely ignored all the offers.

Although he had everything, he guarded against an extravagant life more than anyone else. He didn’t enjoy drinking, and besides reading the scriptures, he had no other hobbies. Some people called him a eunuch for not even engaging in romantic relationships. Ashur didn’t consider the rumors surrounding him to be completely false. After all, he had never felt sexual desire in his entire life. While it wasn’t an accurate diagnosis, he believed that if he truly was a eunuch, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

However, his conviction that he was a eunuch was an arrogant thought. Standing in front of the five statues of the gods, Ashur was praying with an erect phallus.

His body’s response betrayed his reason and yearned for something, desiring it. This indescribable sexual desire was like someone who had only engaged in reproduction trying an assortment of spices for the first time and simply couldn’t adapt. It was nothing more than a sense of deep perplexity and a spreading heat from below the navel.

“……”

Ashur exerted force in the hand that was praying, causing the rosary beads to tremble anxiously.

This confusion was the calamity that had arisen since his seamstress, Heather Geline, skillfully played with his genitals. Ashur, who had lived with thorough self-control to the point of being terrifying, had lost his ability to control for the first time. This shock was more intense than receiving the gods.

When Heather first played with Ashur’s genitals, he felt not only anger but also a close-to-outrageous confusion. It wasn’t just because he felt sexually assaulted, but also because he couldn’t believe that his penis, which swelled firmly beneath her small, white hands, was real.

“What the hell is this…”

The suppressed desires he had lived without his entire life emerged from below the navel. However, what had shocked Ashur’s mind even more than the swollen lump was Heather Geline herself.

Her small, flushed face was deeply ingrained in his mind. Although he didn’t know what the standard for a beauty was, looking at Heather made him finally realize what a beauty was. It felt similar to the excitement he had felt when his heart was stolen by the girl with the bear mask. Perhaps it was because of their matching red hair.

However, the excitement was fleeting. The feeling that soon sank into his mind was a muddled sense of humiliation. Comparing someone who pounced on his body with the first love was ridiculous.

“Just because a gust of wind blew through a bee hive.”

Moreover, she made feeble excuses. It only lasted for a moment, but Ashur harshly scolded himself for thinking that he resembled his first love. He erased from his mind the fact that he had achieved an erection because of Header’s actions, hoping that he would never encounter such a situation again.

However, soon a catastrophic event occurs that shatters Ashur’s beliefs and oaths.

“Or would you rather come and provoke me?”

He easily passed over Heather’s immature provocation. Ashur ended up masturbating for the first time with his own hands using Heather’s body. The thrill he experienced while ejaculating while looking into Heather’s eyes would probably never be forgotten.

“Ha…”

Ashur despairingly looked at his unyielding phallus even while praying. Although numerous perverts had intervened in his life, she could be considered the best among them. So why was he lusting after Heather? Ashur hung the rosary on his wrist and left the prayer room.

If I couldn’t suppress this overwhelming sexual desire through prayer, I didn’t know what to do. It felt like my sanity had been shattered. Because of that one seamstress, everything I had built up came crashing down in ruins.

“Priest Renver, it’s the blessed morning. Are you going to have breakfast?”

Subdeacon Berti greeted me cheerfully. Normally, I would just exchange formal greetings and be done with it, but today I tightly grabbed Berti’s arm. Berti couldn’t help but be taken aback by the tremendous strength he felt in his arm.

“Uh, priest Renver. If you don’t like me talking, please let me know in advance…”

“I need your help.”

I let go of Berti’s arm and spoke with a serious expression.

Meanwhile, Berti suspected that something was amiss as he disregarded the pain in his throbbing arm. Why would Ashur, of all people, ask him for help? Looking around, there were only the two of them in front of the priest’s quarters.

“Me? I’m Subdeacon Berti.”

“Yes.”

“A priest as excellent as priest Renver, why would he turn to me of all people…”

If Ashur could confide in him about his concerns, it didn’t matter who the other person was. Even if a little child with her thumb in her mouth passed by in front of the priest’s quarters, Ashur would have blocked the way. Ashur’s judgment was clouded by the confusion that even prayer could not escape from. Ashur, who inherently distrusted others, could understand how serious his problem was just by seeking a counselor.

“I need to know how to overcome temptation.”

Berti blinked dumbfoundedly. Ashur, who was referred to as the symbol of abstinence, being plagued by temptation? It was a statement that was even more unrealistic than Ashur grabbing him by the arm. Berti even had the thought that he might be in a dream.

He was incredibly curious about what had shaken that stone-like man. A woman? A jewel? Or perhaps it could be an illusion. Berti speculated with a high probability that it could be an illusion. Unless it was a drug, there was no way anything could tempt Ashur, he was certain.

‘I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but…’

Berti obsessively imagined Ashur, who was walking on a fine line, being completely thrown off balance by an illusion. The anticipation of being able to see him in a dazed state, intoxicated by the drug, surged within him. Even an exhilarating excitement coursed through him.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, I will do my best.”

Berti imitated a trustworthy expression and nodded his head. However, his secret hope that Ashur’s face would transform into a depraved one was instantly dashed, sinking beneath the wintry sea of disappointment. The astonishment was tinged with the shattered anticipation.

The expressions of the two priests sitting across from each other at the table were grave. Berti leaned forward in his chair and asked.

“…The seamstress?”

“Heather Geline. She’s a beauty with fiery red hair that’s impossible to look away from once your eyes meet.”

Berti furrowed his brow and thought about the seven seamstresses. When the seamstresses first came to the temple, he had shown them to their lodgings.

“I don’t recall any particularly striking beauties among the seamstresses.”

“What did you say?”

“Are you sure she’s a seamstress?”

“Without a doubt.”

From Ashur’s perspective, he couldn’t understand how he could forget Heather unless he had a blind spot. Similarly, from Berti’s perspective, he couldn’t comprehend how Ashur could be amazed by someone he himself had no interest in, even if all the beauties of the continent tried to seduce him. The temple had been turned upside down, but it remained surprisingly quiet, and there was no exceptional beauty in his memory.

Their conversation did not flow smoothly, as if they were speaking different languages. Eventually, they gave up finding common ground. Berti chose to go along with Ashur’s words, as he was curious about the aftermath.

“Yes, perhaps I missed seeing her. Anyway, what did that seamstress do or say?”

Ashur suppressed the boiling heat beneath him just by imagining it. He tightened his grip on the rosary beads in his hand.

Then he began recounting the story in great detail, from their first meeting to Heather waiting for him in the prayer room and the incident of being trapped in a cramped warehouse. He spoke openly and directly, without exaggeration or concealment, describing the situations exactly as they were at that time.

Berti, who was listening intently, slammed his fist on the table.

“It’s clearly harassment. We should inform and expel her from the temple immediately!”

Ashur knew that was the most certain course of action. However, just imagining her being taken away caused discomfort, as if a hot poker were poking at his heart. If Heather was indeed a seductress targeting him, as an object of lust, why did it feel unsettling to think of her being expelled? Ashur questioned the uneasiness that spread within him and started to think intensely to justify his feelings.

Perhaps it was because of what he owed her for moving him, naked, from the garbage bin to the temple. Unbeknownst to himself, he was indeed indebted to her. If not for that, there would be no reason for him not to report Heather.

“But I don’t want to do that.”

hit his chest in frustration. Ashur seemed like someone incapable of rational thinking. He had always appeared strong and refined, and now he ended up tangled in the hands of a seamstress. Berti even entertained the absurd delusion that the seamstress had cast a spell with tremendous power that suppressed Ashur’s divine power.

However, the following day, when Berti and Ashur encountered the problematic seamstress, she surprised Berti in a different way.

“She’s just an ordinary woman. How can someone so ordinary be described as an irresistible beauty like the dawn? Heather is undeniably pretty, but compared to Ashur, she is barely noticeable. Yet Ashur is pushing her forward.”

“…Isn’t the young lady who sent a gift to the priest last week a much more beautiful woman?”

Ashur froze his face coldly, as if he had heard something strange.

“I guess it all comes down to having two eyes, one nose, and one mouth. The audacious seamstress is different from other people. Look at those plump lips. Ha, I should stop looking now. I feel dizzy.”

It seemed that Ashur was calming his mind while touching the prayer beads. Berti silently thanked the gods. It turned out that not all of Ashur’s abilities were bestowed upon him by the divine. Or perhaps it was because Ashur himself was so beautiful that the standards of beauty had become distorted.

‘It’s a reasonable assumption.’

Including Heather, the seamstresses followed the priests, checking for improvements in the functionality of the priestly robes. And since the seamstresses were also obliged to attend prayer time once in the morning and once in the afternoon, Ashur inevitably had to encounter Heather.

And Heather taunted Ashur without fail every day. Suddenly falling into his arms, roughly squeezing his chest enough to cause pain, touching his buttocks repeatedly. Each time, Ashur’s ears and neck turned red, filled with a mixture of anger and confusion. Unable to keep his public mockery to himself, Berti couldn’t close his mouth.

“I must be insane.”

Ashur also agreed with Berti’s words. Only a deranged person could engage in such perverted acts with such an innocent face.

Heather’s audacious behavior continued during prayer time. It happened when Ashur closed his eyes, focusing on prayer while listening to the solemn voice of the archbishop. Something light hit Ashur’s body, tapping lightly. Eventually, irritated by the persistent sensation, he opened his eyes. Sheets of paper were rolling around his thighs. Ashur unfolded the paper.

I want to sit on your pale face.

– Heather Graine

As soon as he finished reading the contents, he crumpled the paper in one breath. His complexion turned pale like a soldier who had been ambushed in an unprotected state. It was unforgivable to play such a low prank during the sacred time of purification for both body and soul. However, the reason he didn’t utter a word of caution to Heather was because, annoyingly, something was stirring down below.

Ignore it.

Ashur’s maximum defense and resistance were put to the test by the continuous barrage of notes.

“Your insides tremble every time you recite a prayer. Take responsibility.”

– Heather Graine

Damn it. I couldn’t fully concentrate on my prayers because of the notes. Images of Heather getting excited while listening to her own voice flashed through my mind. Wrinkles formed on Ashur’s smooth forehead. As he checked how his voice sounded, he realized the fact that he had been lured in by Heather and quickly dismissed the thought.

“Today’s prayer seems a bit short. Were you standing?”

– Heather Graine

I’m soaked.

They say the color of the lips is the same as a nipple. Your lips are really red, aren’t they?

Ah, I want to suck.

I’m going to secretly slip my fingers in right now. Want to watch?

Ah-huh~ I need something bigger.

A vein popped on Ashur’s forehead. His patience trembled dangerously on the edge. Ashur turned to look at Heather sitting diagonally behind him. Heather, who had been dozing off with her face falling back, startled when the person next to her poked her. Then, as if it were a habit, she murmured, “May the blessings of the Five Gods be with you.”

Ashur stared at every move Heather made with a stern gaze. Although Heather felt Ashur’s gaze, she pretended not to notice.

It happened when the incident in the prayer room was still lingering in Ashur’s mind. Designer Yevgeny delivered a new design for the priestly robes. Seamstresses and some priests gathered in the sewing room to discuss.

Since Ashur had some free time in his schedule and there were no major objections to the priestly robes, he participated in the meeting. And proudly took a seat in front of Heather. She glanced at Ashur with surprised eyes, then avoided looking at him the entire time.

While Ashur was listening to the explanation, he felt a cold toe brush against his peach bone. Ashur stared at Heather, who was sitting in front of him, with surprised eyes. Heather didn’t stop drawing the design on the blank paper.

“…Was it a mistake?”

He thought he had overreacted. That is, until Heather’s foot didn’t slide up to his calf.

Ashur clenched his fist tightly, his wrist bones sticking out. Heather slowly brushed his calf with her foot and then spread her toes, teasingly tickling him. All of Ashur’s attention was focused on his left leg. His ears turned red as if they were about to burst, and his thigh muscles hardened like stone. Each time the small, cold foot audaciously taunted his leg, a heat boiled up from within him.

Ashur stared heatedly at Heather’s lowered head. Heather kept her gaze fixed on the paper without ever lifting her head.

When Heather’s foot subtly brushed against his knee and intruded into the inner thigh, Ashur clenched his incisors. Then he abruptly stood up from his seat. His chair fell backward, and everyone’s gaze focused on Ashur. Even Heather, who had never paid any attention to him, raised her head at the loud noise.

Ashur decisively grabbed Heather’s hand and hurriedly left the sewing room. He could hear murmurs and whispers behind him, but he didn’t pay the slightest attention. Nothing mattered to him except for the small hand that fit entirely into his large hand.

Ashur stopped in the middle of the corridor and asked in a hoarse voice, “What the hell is the reason for doing this to me?”

“What?”

“Aren’t you tired of pretending not to know? Every time we cross paths, you tear my clothes, touch me, and even send obscene notes during prayer time.”

Heather furrowed her brows and looked up at him.

“I sent a note to you, the priest?”

Ashur had expected her to deny it. It was worth keeping the note she threw at him neatly folded. He took it out and handed it to Heather. With one hand, she accepted the note and began flipping through it page by page. A deep shade appeared on her face.

“No, this is my handwriting… Ha, really. This…”

Heather crumpled the note in her hand and glared at a specific spot. Ashur barely restrained himself from asking why she was carelessly crumpling his note.

Heather roughly tousled her hair. Ashur closely observed her actions. She huffed as if she were angry.

“If I tell the truth, you’ll think I’m crazy, Priest.”

Ashur already considered Heather to be insane. He remained silent and waited for her to continue.

“I didn’t write this note. It was the doing of a flying elephant.”

Ashur’s expression turned cold. However, his anger grew hotter. He couldn’t bear it any longer—her disrespectful excuses and the fact that she had gone as far as to leave him with no choice but to make feeble justifications. Because of that note from yesterday, Ashur had woken up with his pants damp and soaked.

“Do you think I find it easy with the seamstress?”

“I can’t believe that. I truly swear to God, I don’t have any intention of mocking you, Priest… No, I don’t want to swear to God… I don’t want to swear…”

Ashur felt a surge of sadness welling up in his eyes. He resented Heather for making him restless every night, planting lust that couldn’t even be suppressed during prayers. He felt a sense of crisis, being dominated by Heather’s presence in every moment.

Now he had truly reached his limit. The anger that he had suppressed with faith surged up, and he felt it rise and take control of his actions. The dormant fire that had been burning uncontrollably since he met Heather finally exploded to the point where he could no longer control his emotions and actions. Ashur locked eyes with Heather, his voice filled with fervor as he shouted,

“Do you know how difficult it is for me because of you, the seamstress? I indulge in desires every night that I never had during puberty. Because of the memories of what the seamstress did, do you know how it feels to spend 24 hours a day in a state of arousal, without any respite?”

Ashur exploded with all the pent-up emotions he had been holding back. However, contrary to what he had expected, Heather’s bewildered face only irritated him like specks of dust. Heather covered her eyes and bowed her head deeply.

“…I understand your feelings, Priest, but I don’t think this is the appropriate place to discuss it.”

“…”

Only then did Ashur’s blocked ears open up. Voices murmuring in surprise echoed from all directions. The believers passing through the corridor had stopped in their tracks, staring at Ashur with astonished eyes. Each face was etched with shock.