I Don’t Want to Attack You! - Chapter 4

4. Leave your chastity to me

[A priest from Arziheum, “I am in heat 365 days a year!” Shocking Confession! What is the true face of the priest known as stoic?]

Basically, humans live with a certain level of self-pity. They cannot objectively view the misfortunes that befall them. I am the saddest, most pitiful, and unjust person in the world.

On the other hand, I am someone who guards against such irrational thinking. Fierce self-pity ironically leads to disregarding the harm inflicted on others, under the pretense of self-protection. Furthermore, I blame my own misfortunes on God.

It’s not that I don’t understand the feeling of being unable to endure without blaming someone, but honestly, it feels a bit ridiculous. It would be much more beneficial for the rest of my life to carefully avoid making the same mistakes after clearly identifying the reasons for my unhappiness.

“But ultimately, my misfortunes are God’s fault.”

I am not at fault. It is entirely due to God, without any need for objective judgment or self-reflection. As a virtuous citizen, I have hardly committed any sins!

I felt a suffocating sense of despair, as if my breathing was being choked. Even as I collapsed on the ground, screaming, the poring was leisurely savoring a peppermint tea.

According to various records written by believers themselves, they claimed to feel a sacred blessing enveloping their souls simply by encountering an angel. However, even though I saw a god with my own eyes, not an angel, instead of awe, I felt nothing but frustration. I wish the reality that confronted me was a lie.

“…I feel like I could die from apologizing to Priest Ashur. I’m already being mocked worldwide.”

-Accept the blessing.

“A blessing that I have to swallow down myself?”

I don’t want to attach the word “blessing” to such a despicable crime. I closed my mouth and shed silent tears.

“It will probably be written in the list of the 100 most pathetic criminals in the world… Even if I die, I’ll be a laughingstock.”

This was not the sacrifice of a martyr. No matter how unjustly I shouted that I did it because God commanded me to, who would listen? There would be no human being willing to see polluted sewage as holy water. That’s why it was even more painful.

I crawled on the floor as if cleaning the bottom of a chair, clutching the legs of the chair where the Poring was sitting.

“Please… Take away this wretched blessing… Take it back. I really can’t do it.”

-Wretched?

“The holy and wise blessing bestowed upon me by the esteemed Poring.”

-No. Go back.

Slurp. The Poring briefly spoke and took a sip of tea. I remained with my forehead pressed against the floor. Trying to persuade the Poring was a futile effort. I had already prayed desperately until blood came from my throat yesterday. The Poring never revoked a blessing once it was given. A stubborn general, unyielding…

Lying flat on the floor, I envisioned my messed-up life and the even more chaotic future ahead.

“…I didn’t live so diligently for this kind of future.”

Even when I let out a long sigh, the frustration that tightly constricted my chest didn’t seem to ease.

-Your back will hurt if you lie on the floor.

Without retorting to the Poring’s remark, I stood up from my spot. When things don’t go as I want, changing the environment instead of staying in one place often helps. I had relieved my worries several times using this method. It might not be helpful now either, but it seemed better to take a walk in the garden than to stay in the stuffy bedroom. I needed to refresh this heavy feeling.

As I opened the bedroom door, the Poring quickly followed along.

“I’m just going to walk around nearby and come back. Okay?”

-I’m also going to walk with you for a bit and come back.

“You must have a lot of free time.”

-Heather, if you became a god, you wouldn’t even last a day before going on strike.

Was the doll elephant I was just fiddling with in my bedroom really a god and not a Poring? I couldn’t hide my sarcasm as I spoke.

“Why are you accompanying me on my walking path if you’re so busy?”

-Heather, humans can possess only one body for one soul, but gods are different.
“…Wow. Is it a demon?”

In other words, the Poring was faithfully carrying out its duties as a god while leaving my life in ruins. I felt tension in my forehead. Unfairness surged and soared.

So only your life matters, and whether my life turns into that of a wretched criminal doesn’t matter to you? Betrayal that I couldn’t put into words made me tremble. The vibrant sunlight, the colorful bougainvillea trees, and the scattered clouds decorating the sky suddenly disappeared. Only flickering black flames of anger filled my field of vision.

-Heather, why is your expression so dark?

“Because it’s a waste of money.”

-You don’t seem to have enough wealth to throw money around.

“Yes. I feel tremendous regret for the money I donated to the temple when I was young.”

-You made donations to the temple? Surprising.

Before I reluctantly climbed up to the capital to earn money, I lived in an outlying area called “Saints.” Just like any country in a nation that believes in five gods, there was a temple in Saints dedicated to the five gods. The temple held five festivals each year, named after the gods. Each festival was celebrated in a different way according to the nature of the respective god. In the festival of the god of love, Agropada, everyone, including the priests, wore masks and danced. It was said to symbolize feeling only the pure souls of one’s partner, obscuring factors such as gender, age, appearance, and social status that cloud the essence of a person.

At that time and even now, I had no interest in the meaning of the festival. I just liked the fact that I could drink alcohol as a minor during the festival.

“During the festival, a little kid wearing a rabbit mask stole my money.”

-Even though it’s the money you got stolen, it’s inappropriate for Heather to say that the boy made a donation.

“It was my money! Five copper coins.”

If Agropada knew that I was being taken advantage of by such a pervert, they would never willingly let themselves be stolen from. I walked aimlessly without a destination and then changed direction.

-Where are you going?

“To the newspaper distribution center.”

-While covering more than a page of a book without reading it.

“Why don’t you know that someone who knows me so well would understand that I don’t want that damn blessing?”

-Your behavior is irreverent, Heather.

“Just please understand that it means I find it good enough to beg for a taste of the blessing, even if it didn’t suit my taste.”

Even if it’s a deity, I felt miserable having to grovel before a small elephant that I could knock out with one blow.

No matter how much I think about it, wasting my heart and time on worshiping such a deity is pointless.

Sometimes there were leaflets promoting a pseudo-religion in the newspaper distribution center. Although I felt the existence of the five gods more firmly than anyone else, I didn’t want to accept the Poring as my religion. I’d rather believe in some dubious pseudo-religion. At least they won’t order me to devour priests, even if they have their eyes on my wallet.

I quickened my pace and moved diligently towards the exit of the temple.

The Poring, whether it knew my mood or pretended not to know, chirped and spoke to me. I persisted in silence even in the face of the Poring’s bombardment of talk. It wasn’t about ignoring the Poring but rather about fulfilling the best duties as a human living under the protection of a deity. If I opened my mouth, a string of curses would burst out immediately.

However, the Poring didn’t appreciate my efforts. It let out a sigh and used my forehead as a pillow.

-Heather, as someone who has lived for much longer than the age of the stars, I can confidently say that Ashur is no ordinary fellow.

What nonsense is it trying to spout again?

-You mocked my sympathy and thought it was funny, but now you’re the one in danger of being devoured. It would be better for you to exercise and build up your stamina in advance.

“…”

-Heather, did you understand what I said? The bed will become a fierce battlefield. It’s better not to ignore my words.

The Poring was talking as if it was a given that I would have sex with Ashur.

“Heather.”

“…”

“Heather!”

After the Poring made a sharp sound, it hugged my forehead. Its widely spread ears covered my field of vision like a fan.

“I can’t see!”

I was momentarily startled, and my legs wobbled. If I hadn’t quickly regained my balance, I would have fallen hard. I stood still and tightly grasped the Poring’s body with my hand.

“Back off. I really can’t see anything.”

-You shouldn’t ignore my advice.

“I’ve heard everything.”

-Heather, you’re fine, but you do have a bit of arrogance.

“Would you like to see it from my perspective? Then you’ll instantly understand how well I’ve behaved.”

-It’s as clear as day without even opening up the heart of a young human.

“Why do you keep twisting my thoughts even though you know me so well? Huh?”

No matter how hard I tried to pry the Poring off, its round feet tightly clung to my forehead, refusing to let go. Why is its strength so strong for something that looks like a fluffy doll? As my forehead was pulled, my eyebrows rose along with it.

“Ugh! Let go!”

-No. It’s punishment.

“Well, there are all kinds of punishments like this!”

I exerted all my strength to remove the Poring in the middle of the outdoor garden. Followers passing through the garden saw me and let out small screams. In the eyes of the followers who couldn’t see the Poring, I must have looked like someone twisting and stumbling while holding my own head.

“Oh my! Looks like a horse ceremony.”

-Shh, be quiet. If we look at them recklessly, we might become the devil’s prey. Just pass by quietly.

“Even just entering the temple makes the devil suffer like that. We are deeply grateful for the protection of the five gods today as well.”

They silently drew a sacred symbol and walked past me. Wait, couldn’t they at least ask what’s wrong when someone is in pain? Why do they treat someone possessed so freely?

The accumulated frustration, injustice, and boiling anger were reaching their limit. It felt like I was the one turning into a devil, not the other way around. It’s all because of the Poring. I clenched my fists with a simmering resentment.

-Heather, it seems like there are emotions in your hands.”

“What? That’s impossible!”

-Oh, no… I feel like I can’t breathe a little…

I pressed down on the squishy body of the Poring as if squeezing a water balloon. I exerted force even on the hand of the Poring that was grabbing my hair. It felt like all my hair would be pulled out, but I bit my lip and endured the pain. Hair would grow back, but this would be the first and last chance to seek revenge on the Poring!

“Ugh, heok!”

-Let go! Heok, let go, Heather!

“If Poring, heok! You let go first! I can’t see anything right now, you know?”

“One, two, three, let’s release at the same time.”

The Poring let out a scream of agony. I had tears streaming down my face, but a smile of satisfaction appeared on my lips.

“Got it.”

-One, two, three!

You think I’ll just let go? As soon as the Poring released my hair, I swung my arm with all my strength and threw the Poring away. The Poring flew forward like a slingshot-launched stone.

-Heather!

The scattered red hair fell over my face like a curtain. I gasped for breath and grabbed my knees. Then, I muttered excuses that no one could hear.

“…Ah, it seems like you were bounced off due to inertia.”

It was a timid and petty revenge, but the satisfaction was quite high. The bewildered voice of the Poring slightly washed away my frustration. It happened as I was about to wipe off the sweat dripping down my forehead with the back of my hand.

“Ouch!”

Not far away, there was a dull thud followed by a man’s voice that pierced through. Even though it was a short cry, like a well-trained dog, I recognized the owner of the voice. A voice that was hard to forget. There couldn’t be more than one person in this temple who possessed such a splendid voice.

“Priest?!”

I immediately perked up. Sure enough, Ashur was kneeling down, groaning in pain. There was a ceramic cup rolling around near Ashur. The cup had cute pink elephant-shaped decorations hanging from it.

What’s going on? This dizzying unfamiliarity. I looked back and forth between the sudden appearance of the pink elephant cup and Ashur.

-Wow, that was a direct hit. Heather, you have good aim.

The voice of the Poring was heard right next to my face. Crazy, what is it! I turned around in astonishment to look at the Poring. The Poring had its arms folded and was wagging its head, making a fuss. Wait, I’m sure I threw it!

“How…?”

-Now you’re curious about that? Ashur is dying because of the cup Heather threw…

I fell for it. Once again, I fell neatly into the antics of that perverted elephant. However, now was not the time to be disheartened by the fact that I couldn’t get back at the Poring, as the Poring pointed out.

“Priest!”

Setting aside the surging emotions, I rushed towards Ashur. I sat down beside him and examined his face closely. Veins were popping out on his neat, white forehead. Ashur was gritting his teeth, holding back something.

While looking at his struggling figure, I couldn’t help but be impressed inwardly. Well, there are people who look so charismatic like this. The slightly furrowed brows and tightly closed lips evoked not the image of someone hit by a cup, but rather a marvelous painting depicting the final moments of a hero. Even by simply breathing calmly, Ashur exuded an atmosphere that could contain a grand narrative.

“Again…”

“…”

The faint voice that sank into darkness pulled me back to reality. As the peculiar glint in his golden eyes touched my face, it felt like my breath was momentarily taken away. Geez, at least give a warning before staring at me like that. My heart almost exploded.

“Is it you, seamstress?”

It was a tone that clearly blamed me. Resentment was reflected in his eyes. And even open contempt. I couldn’t decide how to respond to his probing.

“Ah, no… I mean, it’s true that I threw something, but… I threw something else, you see? But suddenly, it transformed into a cup…”

“…”

My words were a pure, 100% truthful statement with no exaggeration, but even I sounded like I was spouting nonsense.

“If you’re going to make excuses, at least do it with sincerity.”

Ashur retorted coldly. I’m going crazy here. It’s really not what it looks like! However, no matter how much I insisted here, it was obvious that it would only further provoke Ashur’s anger.

“I’m really sorry. It wasn’t intentional, really.”

There was nothing else I could say except to apologize. Beads of cold sweat began to form on Ashur’s face. He remained motionless in his seat for a long time, only breathing heavily.

[Translation]

“Hoo…”

“Sir, you don’t look well… Let me take a look at your wounds.”

“It’s fine.”

Although Ashur coldly refused, I couldn’t just pass by and leave Ashur in this state because of me. If something goes wrong, I have to take care of the priest. Even for the sake of my moral conscience, I asked him to let me attend to his wounds!

I pushed my hand towards Ashur’s chest. Ashur trembled and hastily grabbed my sleeve. However, he couldn’t muster enough strength to push me away and only looked perplexed.

“I said it’s fine. Move your hand.”

“If you keep squatting like that, my legs will fall asleep. There’s no need for you to refuse.”

“No, I want to refuse.”

I could feel the contours of his well-built chest beneath the palm of my hand. How can a priest have such a good physique? As my hand moved toward his abs, Ashur, who had been fidgeting with my sleeve, quickly grabbed my wrist. However, he couldn’t hold on tightly and released my wrist as if he were scalded.

“…Isn’t it going too far down?”