There Is No Paradise Where You Escaped - Chapter 40

As soon as Charlotte arrived at the manor, she changed clothes and went to find Edwin. She was responding to Edwin’s summons, which felt more like a command than a request.

Her heart was already torn apart, knowing full well what Edwin’s expression would be when she returned to the manor.

The moment she entered the study, her eyes met Edwin’s as he sat at his desk. Unlike her gaunt and worn-out appearance, he seemed perfectly fine—untroubled.

His face showed no concern, despite having driven her to the brink of death.

“Are you feeling unwell anywhere?”

His greeting, unexpectedly kind, was at odds with his indifferent expression. The moment his voice—one she had feared she might never hear again—reached her ears, tears welled up uncontrollably in her eyes.

“Did you think ignoring my warning wouldn’t have such harsh consequences?”

“I really didn’t! I never ordered Marian to do such a thing!”

Charlotte, sobbing from the injustice, desperately defended herself. Yet Edwin merely observed her with a heartless gaze.

“Do you know what you did wrong?”

She didn’t expect warm words. She only wished he wouldn’t interrogate her about right and wrong after she had barely survived the brink of death. A single word of acknowledgment for her suffering would have melted her. Did he truly not understand that?

“You scorned and mocked Vivianne in front of the maids, influencing them to act the same way. So, Marian’s wrongdoing is also your wrongdoing.”

Having let go of her last shred of hope, Charlotte’s sobs grew even louder.

“You must not have heard the news since you were away. Baron Zimmerman has sent a letter stating he will not marry you.”

The next piece of news stabbed Charlotte’s heart harder. The fear of being abandoned yet again after the broken engagement left her devastated.

“When you grow older and see the world more clearly, you’ll understand how much I cared for you.”

      Liar. You were ready to discard me because of Aveline.

Edwin’s actions were full of contradictions. If he truly cared for her, he wouldn’t have abandoned her like that. He wouldn’t tear at her heart with such callous words. Therefore, his words were lies.

“I wanted the person you could trust and depend on for life to be the finest person in Neway. And I found him. But love, you say?”

The flow of conversation was abruptly halted because the next word was something his cold eyes and lips seemed incapable of expressing: love.

“You have someone you love?”

Charlotte’s eyes wavered, deeply shaken by his question.

“Don’t ruin your life with such foolish emotions, Charlotte.”

“I, I…”

“Such trivial and fleeting emotions will do nothing for your long life. Love ruins lives, but calculation makes them prosperous.”

The words spilling from Edwin’s mouth struck a nerve. Faced with a dead end, Charlotte’s only remaining response was instinctual defiance.

She considered letting it all out. Confessing that the person she loved was him. That she loved him. Ending this torment with one final declaration.

But even after imagining herself pouring her heart out in resignation, no positive outcome seemed possible. All she knew for sure was Edwin’s blood-soaked advice:

Love ruins life.

If she confessed her love to him here, he would strip away any remaining attachment and sever ties with her completely.

Through calculations, she realized that such a normal life—one she desperately desired—wouldn’t even be possible for her. It would shatter before she could grasp it.

“Convince Baron Zimmerman to change his mind and marry you. This is your last chance. If you do, I’ll make you the most admired bride in the country, envied by everyone.”

Charlotte let out a hollow laugh. After discarding her so cruelly, now he spoke of making her the perfect bride. If she were with Edwin, even a small ceremony in a modest chapel, just the two of them, would have made her the happiest bride in the world. Even without a ceremony, as long as she could live under his name, she wouldn’t envy anyone else’s happiness.

So there was no way she could become the best bride. Charlotte’s heart writhed in agony, consumed by this unattainable fantasy.

────── ✾ ──────

As soon as Marian returned to the manor, she couldn’t avoid being expelled. Even as the servants dragged her out, the manor echoed with her cries.

It was reported that Charlotte, exhausted from her time outside, had returned to her room, taken a bath, and gone straight to bed.

Feeling entirely at ease, Vivianne headed toward Edwin a little after eight o’clock. She assumed Roarke would have left by then, but he was still with Edwin. When she tried to retreat, saying she’d come back tomorrow, Roarke swiftly gathered his documents and exited at a single glance from Edwin.

Though she hadn’t intended to intrude, she felt compelled to respond to the time he had set aside for her. The chair where Roarke had been sitting was still warm. On the table were a candle, amber-colored brandy, and two books. One was a novel titled Emily in Francis’s Fiefdom, while the other was untitled, its contents a mystery.

“You seem to enjoy drinking,” Vivianne said, attempting to break the awkward atmosphere with a light topic.

Edwin didn’t drink much or often, but he had an appreciation for various kinds of alcohol, savoring their unique aromas and flavors. It reminded Vivianne of her father.

While her father wasn’t as adventurous in his choice of drinks as Edwin, he loved brandy, and his affectionate tone when speaking of it left her with warm memories.

“I do enjoy it,” Edwin replied.

“My father also…” The mention of her father slipped from her lips unintentionally.

Vivianne quickly tried to backtrack, but Edwin, having already heard, gestured calmly for her to continue. His expression carried no displeasure or malice.

“My father also… enjoyed drinking… a little,” she said, finishing the uncomfortable thought with some relief.

“That seems likely. He probably drank well. I’d guess Miss Aveline never saw him intoxicated either.”

“Yes, that’s true. I never saw him drunk. He held his liquor well—though my mother didn’t like it,” she added, letting a faint smile slip.

However, Vivianne quickly wiped it away when her gaze met his piercing blue eyes.

Edwin chuckled softly and took a sip of the brandy.

“Anyway… I really wanted to thank you for today. For allowing me to bring Miss Windler back.”

“You should be grateful.”

At times, he left her with strange, conflicting feelings. He acted as if he intended to exploit her relentlessly, yet his voice was devoid of demands as if he wanted nothing. It felt like he was offering a poisoned sweet, hoping she’d take it.

Could his clear voice now also hide something beneath it? Vivianne stared intently into his blue eyes. Silence fell between them.

As the candle flickered, the shadows of the two people, who had been looking into each other’s eyes, swayed gently on the walls. Vivianne didn’t take her eyes off Edwin, almost as if she were looking at someone from another world. The more she stared, the more her curiosity and intrigue about him naturally grew.

“I have a question. May I ask?”

The silence broke. Edwin nodded gently, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“Who is Mr. Roarke… really?” She asked, instinctively touching her neck as she elaborated. “He seems very close to you, Your Grace. He’s not a servant, but he’s more than just an attendant. And yet, strangely, he doesn’t seem to have a real connection with you.”

A faintly sly smile spread across Edwin’s face. He put down his glass and leaned back comfortably in his chair, fixing his calm gaze on Vivianne.

“When I was at the Port of Olren, Roarke was a notorious thug who extorted money from the workers. He was infamous in that world.”

Vivianne’s eyes widened in shock. She immediately realized she had asked the wrong question, but it was too late to take it back.

“We fought a lot. To keep from losing my money, I threw myself at him, ready to die. I must have been a nightmare for him. Even now, when I think back on it, I was a wretched human being back then.”

As Edwin reflected on his past self, Vivianne wondered what he might say to his younger self—Sayer. What kind of comfort would he have offered to someone who had lost all hope and dreams?

“It was a real coincidence, but Roarke was beating a gentleman nearly to death all by himself. I barely stopped him, and after hearing the circumstances, I found out that the man was the owner of the house where Roarke’s older sister worked. He had infected her with syphilis. That’s when Roarke went mad because his sister’s life was at risk.”

Vivianne was deeply drawn into Edwin’s story. Even the brief moments when Edwin paused to sip his brandy felt almost unbearable to her.

“Roarke cried with a grim expression. He was despairing, saying his sister would die tomorrow. But no matter how much he cried, his sister wasn’t going to suddenly come back to life. Right?”

“… Even so, Mr. Roarke must have been in unbearable pain.”

“That man, fortunately, survived. He didn’t even end up disabled. But if things had continued as they were, Roarke would’ve been thrown in prison. So I made him an offer.”

Edwin’s calm blue eyes rippled like waves in the amber liquid of his glass.

“I told him I’d let him kill the man. And I’d make sure he wouldn’t go to prison for it.”

Vivianne’s focused gaze trembled as though waves had crashed within her own eyes. It felt as though an incredible amount of courage was required to look away from Edwin’s chillingly composed expression, leaving her frozen in place.

“Roarke accepted without hesitation, and we carried out the plan. That’s how the first secret between us was born.”

“H-how could you… No matter the circumstances… How could you do such a thing?” Vivianne’s trembling hands betrayed her shock.

Fear and terror filled her, mingling with a flickering hope that this couldn’t be true. But Edwin shrugged it off with a smile, as if the act of killing didn’t burden him with any guilt.

It dawned on Vivianne that this was why Edwin could so easily threaten to strangle her without hesitation.

“How could I do such a thing?”

“…”

“To survive. What wouldn’t you do to stay alive? It wasn’t me who turned myself into such a monster—it was your father.”

Her heart, once racing erratically, now felt as though a dagger had pierced it. The accusatory glare she had cast upon Edwin dropped to the table, as she could no longer bear to meet his gaze.

“If my family hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have lived my life killing so many people. Isn’t that right, Miss Aveline?”

He was smiling the whole time. The guilt was completely consumed by the fear and terror he had instilled. The trembling in her body stopped and her gaze turned once more to Edwin.

“So… was it painful? Killing someone, living like that… Did you suffer? Were you in pain?”

“There was one time, at the Port of Olren.” Edwin’s voice grew somber.

For the first time, at Vivianne’s question, the smile faded from his face as he began another story. Unable to hold back her tears, hot tears slid down Vivianne’s pearly cheek.

“There was always a shortage of food at the port, so whenever I was starving, I ate anything I could find, no matter how filthy it was. That night, I don’t even remember what I ate. I had a fever and kept losing consciousness.”

Vivianne’s question had triggered a strange memory of that night. She had asked if he suffered, if he felt pain.

“That night, Roarke carried me on his back, running through the port to wake the town drunk, who also happened to be its only doctor. He threatened the man to treat me.”

Edwin’s consciousness had teetered on the edge of life and death. Deep down, he knew he was close to dying. Yet, he felt no regret. Instead, the thought of reuniting with his parents and siblings, whom he had missed so much, filled him with relief.

      Please don’t let me wake up. Let the darkness behind my closed eyes be everything.

He clung to those thoughts, wishing countless times in his fading consciousness to succumb to death. But then…

      Wake up. Wake up, Sayer…

A soft, delicate voice echoed around him. His heavy eyelids, ready to close forever, struggled to open, drawn by the source of that voice. Slowly, the voice took shape, and before long, he saw her—the young girl with radiant golden hair, crying beside him.

The girl reached out her hand, and he took it.

“Stay alive. You promised to live, didn’t you? Don’t die. Get up. Sayer, get up.”

The warmth of her hand was vivid and intense. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. The girl he had longed for, the one he had to keep his promise to, had come to him first.

He couldn’t die now. He couldn’t let go of this girl he had finally met.

Just as he regained his will to live, his consciousness quietly slipped back into sleep.

“If it weren’t for that quack, I would’ve died that night. I wouldn’t be here to meet you like this.”

The next day, as soon as he regained consciousness, Edwin asked Roarke about the girl’s whereabouts. But Roarke, who had been alone with the doctor, told him no girl had visited the port. Only then did Edwin realize that what he had seen that night was nothing more than a hallucination.

Vivianne sniffled and brushed a tear from her cheek.

With a slight smile, Edwin reached out and rudely rubbed her small cheek. Normally, Vivianne would have recoiled in anger, but this time, she simply lowered her head, obediently accepting his touch.

That night, on the brink of death, what had he wished for from the girl? Did he want to turn back and curse her as he walked toward death? If it wasn’t a hallucination, what words had he spoken to her in those fleeting moments?

But now, such questions no longer matter. The girl from that time had grown, and she stood before him now.

This was not a hallucination. The Vivianne Aveline before him was real.

And now, he could touch her, hold her, even claim her, if he so desired.

Turning away, Edwin walked toward the bed, where the room was bathed in darkness save for the faint glow of the extinguished candle.

Vivianne, her tears now dry, watched as Edwin climbed onto the bed and gazed at her.

“Would you like to come in?”

He pulled back the blanket on the bed and, with a cold, flawless smile, gestured for her to join him under the covers.