You Said You Wanted Us to Break Up - Chapter 67

When I asked Sioden if he intended to send me back to the South, he replied:

“If possible, I would like to do that.”

At that moment, I cried for several nights after hearing those words. The ‘end’ he spoke of was that frightening.

I don’t know how lightly Sioden regarded our relationship. I probably never will. I won’t ask him if he ever loved me, and he wouldn’t bother to revisit past feelings.

However, at that time, my relationship with Sioden was my only hope.

Iswen said:

“If even your family cannot fulfill what you desire, don’t believe that outsiders will be different.”

It was a remark close to mockery. He knew full well that I, unable to find a place to rest my heart among blood relations, wanted to give and receive love from the outside.

But if a few words could shake off that sense of deficiency, I wouldn’t have felt lacking in the first place.

I knew that although Iswen could be cruel, he didn’t speak wrongly, which is why I kept holding onto the hope of marriage vows.

Even if it was an expectation bordering on thirst, there was a basis for it: fingers that rested on the keys without removing their gloves and urgent kisses. The hot, large hands that pulled me in. The man’s cheeks were turning red like someone in love.

“When spring comes, I have something I want to show you.”

His words, based on the premise that we would be together in the future, felt like traces of love.

Thus, even after things fell apart between us, I couldn’t let go of my lingering feelings. As long as this relationship doesn’t end, perhaps I could return to the tender past someday. I clung to that uncertain hope like a final thread.

Now I know.

What he and I had was not a beautiful performance, even if it was dissonant, but a performance where the scales went awry even in the most beautiful moments.

It was then that Sioden denied my words.

“What I said was not sincere. At that time…”

He spoke before he could even deceive himself while trying to manage the situation.

“You don’t have to explain.”

The man’s eyes, which had been slightly glistening, began to shake noticeably.

As if I had said something I shouldn’t have.

It was understandable since he believed that I was so thirsty for hope that even a slight explanation would suffice. However, the one who could change my mind was not just Sioden.

Just as he turned kindness into coldness, I too could abandon hope and choose acceptance.

To leave no room for rebuttal, I said once more:

“I agree with you.”

I had now discarded the hope that was almost a delusion. The past is just the past. There is no way to turn back the time that has already flowed. Just as spilled water cannot be collected again and words once spoken cannot be swallowed back, what has happened cannot be changed by anything.

So, we cannot return to the time when we blushed at each other’s smiles.

What use is there in delaying the end when nothing will improve?

I lowered my gaze from looking up at him again. It might be better to just end it here. I hesitated for a moment, not knowing how to express the words lingering on my tongue, when a sudden voice settled in my ear.

“I was wrong.”

“What?”

I reflexively raised my head at that apology, which was almost like shock therapy. The first thing that came into view was his blue eyes filled with tears that he could not hide. With tears that I rarely saw, apologies began to fall one after another above my head.

“I’m sorry for not listening to you all this time. I’m sorry for giving you scars that won’t fade and for making you go through things that are too painful to even speak of.”

“Iella.”

He called my name with a cracking voice and raised his hand to cover his face. I already knew that there was a wet face behind the large hand with prominent veins.

It was so unfamiliar to see him crying in front of me that I didn’t know how to react.

It was then that his large body suddenly lowered. Sioden knelt on the ground and took my hand. He looked up at me with sorrowful eyes.

“I know that saying this is too late.”

His voice, unable to hide the sobs, was hoarse, but there was no hesitation in his words.

As if he had been thinking this way for a long time.

Sioden held my frozen hand and pleaded.

“Please, just once, give me the chance to make amends.”

“…….”

“If you give me just one chance, I won’t make the same mistake again. I will take any punishment in your place. I will do whatever you desire…”

He didn’t realize what he was saying at that moment. That was the first thought that crossed my mind.

Seeing me flustered and at a loss for words, Sioden asked in a voice that was already soaked with tears.

“What can I do to make you stay by my side?”

“…….”

“I know it sounds pathetic, but I don’t know what to do…”

The man couldn’t continue his words and lowered his head. It was then that tears fell onto the back of my hand, which he was holding. The heat of those tears suddenly brought me back to my senses.

“I… I don’t understand you.”

In the past, it had to be him. My heart already bore the imprint left by him, and there was no piece that could fit unless it was him. There were times when that felt unfair. Sioden didn’t seem as desperate as I was, while I alone was heartbroken and in pain.

But now, Sioden seemed like someone who had gone through the same thing as me.

As if he bore the same marks as I did. It looked like he was feeling the same desperation I had felt in the past.

I asked the man who was showing an impossible side of himself.

“Why are you doing this?”

Did my question choke him?

The upper body of the man trembled as he took a deep breath without being able to answer immediately. The tremor was clearly conveyed through the solid palm that held my hand.

Eventually, a desperate voice, like the last breath of a dying person, settled in the air.

“I love you.”

* * *

Not long after, Demian said he would return to Rowen.

Since there were eyes watching and procedures to follow, I went to the city gate to see him off.

Demian had become noticeably haggard in just a few days. With a face that didn’t match his demeanor, he apologized.

“I’m sorry about last time.”

“It’s okay. I was rude.”

In truth, the cause lay with Demian, who had come all the way to someone else’s territory and caused a commotion, but he would never think his actions were wrong, so it was better to just endure it.

Since the previous incident had been formally wrapped up, I had nothing more to say, yet Demian did not get into the carriage.

He hesitated and called my name.

“Hey, Iella.”

I looked up at him in silence. Demian was rolling his one remaining eye around like a confused person.

“I know I was wrong and that it’s hard to believe what I say… but can’t we go back together?”

Seeing him fully reveal that he hadn’t changed at all and still couldn’t let go of his regrets made my insides boil again. I called out to him, trying to stop the overflowing emotions before they spilled over.

“Brother.”

Even if he had no sense of awareness, he must have understood that my call meant to stop, but Demian stubbornly continued speaking.

“I know we are people you can’t trust. But this place is killing people. Just look at your face; you’ve lost so much weight compared to when you were in the South…”

“Please stop.”

In a situation where Raslet’s eyes and ears were everywhere, such words were inappropriate. Demian lowered his gaze. The sight of his half-closed eyes struggling to find focus and hitting the ground was more uncomfortable than satisfying.

He spoke again, looking dejected.

“But, Iella…”

“Do I need to remind you why it was so hard to stay here?”

Ah, I must have finally lost my mind. How could I say such things to Demian?

…But hadn’t I done the same with Sioden?

Remembering my last conversation with him made a part of my heart feel uncomfortably prickly. If Demian hadn’t said something so out of the blue, I might have unconsciously been ruminating on what happened that day.

“Our brother is waiting for you.”

Iswen? If I had been a little bolder and there hadn’t been any eyes watching, I would have asked him what he had eaten wrong. I was contemplating whether I should say that I’m not so low as to let such words slide, but Demian continued speaking.

“It’s okay if you hate me. But if you could just look at my brother’s face once…”

Demian’s gaze dropped as if he were about to cry. I had never seen him cry, so it was probably just an illusion created by the angle and shadows.

“Please, let’s go to the South together. Okay?”

With his eyes drooping, Demian urged me again.

“As soon as we return, we can explain everything. So…”

However, the ability to explain the motivations behind his actions would also apply to Sioden, whom Demian disliked so much. Understanding that ‘everything was unavoidable’ is entirely different from ‘so forget the past and start anew.’

Even if one makes a significant concession and tries hard for a new beginning, the past cannot be forgotten.

I took a step back to avoid Demian.

“It’s cold today.”

“…”

“I’m not feeling well, so I can’t see you off any longer.”

It was the truth. Facing Demian made my stomach churn.

Demian looked at me with a face as if the sky had fallen. It seemed too elaborate to be an act, but no suspicion could deny the distrust he had built over his lifetime.

I bowed my head slightly to him.

“Goodbye.”

With that last word, I turned my back.

The sound of the carriage departing didn’t come until I had entered through the castle gate.

Once inside the castle, Apple was waiting for me.

Instead of the cold air from outside, she brought a new fur that had been warmed near the fire and helped me change into it. Embracing the warm fur and enjoying its heat, I heard footsteps.

Instinctively, I turned my head toward the sound, not knowing who would be there.

When I came face-to-face with the only pair of deep blue eyes in the castle, my heart dropped involuntarily.

At the end of the corridor stood Sioden.